Beer Run by dixē.flatlin3

Beer Run by dixē.flatlin3

            Time to get my creativity flowing again.  I have been busy with academic writing, which has its own rewards, but can be less than satisfying.  So, let’s talk about beer runs.  You remember those, right?  You’re at a party and suddenly there is no more beer, and that simply has to be corrected as quickly as humanly possible?

            This was a common occurrence during my formative years, and because I had a car, I was often the one called upon to assist in these emergency situations.  Of course being female also meant I was often times a necessary implement in procuring the alcohol.  We called it ‘pimping beer’, which essentially meant I had to stand around outside and ask adults, usually males, to purchase it on our behalf.  This particular evening though being female was not part of the equation, only the car.

            I have accepted that my main role within the crew of guys I hung out with was as their designated get-away driver.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back I can see that is what I did.  I believe that the statutes of limitations have expired for most all our juvenile delinquent activities, at least I hope that they have.

            To say that I ran with a rowdy crowd is a polite way of admitting that I was a borderline hoodlum.  This particular evening a group of skinheads had shown up to the party we were at.  At some point during the festivities I was called upon to assist with a beer run.  I didn’t see this as unusual because as I have mentioned, it was one of my regular duties.  After we had all loaded into my car, I noticed that it was too late to purchase alcohol, and I mentioned this to my passengers.  There were two guys from my normal crew, and two from the one that had shown up.  One of the bald guys told me not worry about it because he knew of a place that he could still get beer from.  I followed the directions he gave from the back seat as we drove along the deserted streets.

            Eventually we pulled up in front of a closed liquor store.  I was somewhat confused as the two bald guys told us to wait in the car, and got out.  They casually approached the front of the store, picked up a huge cement ashtray by the entrance, and threw it through the glass double-doors.  Of course I immediately went into shock because it was apparent I was now a part of something that was more than just a beer run.  As my friends and I sat in my car in a stunned silence, listening to the sound of the alarm going off, we didn’t say a word to each other.  As quickly as the bald ones had entered the store, they came back out the door, throwing a keg through the doors to make more room for their exit; however, one of them got cut by the glass on their way out.

            The sight of blood in my car was nothing out of the ordinary.  In fact, I had grown accustomed to it and the smell barely bothered me anymore.  I immediately took off once they had loaded their booty into the back of my hatchback.  The boys were all chattering, the bald ones laughing, but my pals were a bit more vocal with their ‘what-the-fuck-just-happened’ thoughts.  I stared straight ahead, completely silent, and drove.  Making sure to obey the speed limit, use turn signals, and not miss a single stop sign.

            I don’t remember how the evening ended, I believe someone needed stitches, but I cannot be sure.  Several of my crew came out to assist me in cleaning up the blood that was throughout my car.  I believe they realized that I was rather upset with what had happened, but did their best to console me.  We all had a good laugh over the fact that no one had a tap for the keg that had come flying through the front doors.

            I learned a very important lesson that evening, and it is one that I have never forgotten.  Whenever someone says they need to make a beer run, always make sure that they can still legally do so before offering to drive them anywhere.

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This World of Shit of Ours by dixē.flatlin3

I never wanted children.  It was never on my to-do list, and I never felt the ticking, biological clock pangs that some women claim to feel.  I worked in an industry that is not known for being family friendly, and I had accepted it.  I once believed that there was no point in bringing a child into this fucked up world.  To use a memorable quote from Full Metal Jacket, I absolutely believed myself and everyone else to be living “in a world of shit.”

The world did not end at the turn-of-the-century, nor did it end when the planes flew into the World Trade Center.  However, the industry I worked in took a direct hit from the economic depression that our country was thrown into because of the bullshit American dream so many had tried to attain.  This coupled with proliferation and assimilation of counterculture commodities made for a very bleak future by 2004.  My ex went so far as to elect for sterilization that year, which I wholeheartedly supported.

Then a funny thing happened.  My entire world fell apart.  I had always said I wanted to see an extraterrestrial alien because reality would be forever altered after that.  One must always be careful what they wish for.  That same year I witnessed an entire family fall apart because of deeply hidden, ugly secrets.  The damage was brutal and irreparable.  I felt like a stranger in my own life.  The business I owned had become a never-ending parade of people I could not stand, who were paying me for my time, and wanted the party keep on going, but I was sickened by it all.

I decided to run away from home.  Mature, I know, but it was all I could think to do.  I have a keen sense of survival, and I always know when to abandon a sinking ship.  By the end of 2005 I was regularly running away to the motherland, the place of my birth; however, the grass is always greener until you spend a few weeks sitting on the other side of the fence.  I found work, but was rudely reminded of the overall unsavory elements of the industry, and found myself in a reality that made me sad.  I would need a college degree to get out of my present circumstances, which I had never considered before then.  I had passed on opportunities in high school because I had absolutely no direction.

Fate is a bitch, and shortly after this rude awakening, I found out I was pregnant.  I flunked seven pregnancy tests in a row.  It was that incredulous to me that I could be in the family way.  I had successfully dodged all the bullets that lead to a life in captivity, until now.  I immediately scheduled an appointment to terminate the pregnancy, but then a funny thing happened.  I started to consider the possibilities, which were bleak, let me tell you.  I knew from the beginning that I was going to be a single parent with absolutely no support.  In fact, going ahead with it would not only drastically alter my life it would also make me a social pariah because of the circumstances.  I cancelled four appointments, which my friend pointed out was very polite of me.  I explained that a woman may very well have needed the appointment I cancelled, given the very brief window of time women actually have to make such choices.

That was seven years ago, and my life has never been the same.  I never returned to the industry I had spent 15 years in because it evolved into something I wanted no part of.  I was fortunate enough to have friends who helped me on this difficult journey.  I had enough in savings to stay home with my son for the first year of his life, but then I had to get a job.  At the suggestion of a friend and former peer, I applied at the corporation she worked at.  She stressed that the company offered an education benefit, and I could get the degree I had talked about. I felt confident that if she could survive in the environment, so could I because we had worked together for a decade in our previous profession.  Another friend let me stay in an apartment she owned, but was losing to foreclosure, for a few months while I adjusted to life in the corporate world and to living in the city again.

I should mention that I am lucky, always have been, but it’s the kind of luck that can either win the lottery, or get a disease named after you.  I sold a house during the depression, and made a profit on it, which allowed me to further care for my child. The corporate job pays well and provides benefits, which I was unaccustomed to.  It has been rough at times, but I have been gainfully employed during these bleak years of skyrocketing unemployment and economic losses.

a387dfb20fc3f77bdb66b58606e940d6The corporate bullshit is becoming too much for me to tolerate, and my time trapped in this beige, backstabbing environment is coming to an end.  I will soon have the degree I sought, and the job will have served its purpose.  I have never been one to stay in a situation simply for comfort, and I do not expect this to change now.  I am happily counting down the days until I can tell them all to fuck off, and hoping to avoid doing so before I should, but it is so very hard.  If you ever want to see inefficiency in action, go to work at a multinational.  The morons in leadership spewing their Corporatese and speaking to ‘culture changes’ are enough to make anyone go postal.  But I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given, and can think of no better environment in which to learn and study business.

My child is amazing, and the most selfish act I have ever committed.  I have never loved or bonded with anyone in my life as much as I have than with my child, but it is not without its drawbacks.  My artistic ‘fuck you’ attitude that had caused me to quit jobs on a whim has been muted, and I miss it, but I am fighting to reignite it because I have a child, and the world is a vile and fucked up place.  The world I have created for my child is one of magic and whimsy.  I am often told how kind, caring, and sweet he is, which fills me with pride and anxiety.  I would expect that most children are this way, but sadly this is not the case.  The unconventional upbringing I have given my son has had unintended side effects. I have raised an emotionally intelligent, compassionate, articulate, intelligent, and artistic creature, which must find his way within a world that is exactly as I had always believed it to be:  A world of shit.

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Random and Fragmented

I awoke to overcast skies and soon the rain and thunder kicked in.  Gloomy Sundays make me happy.  Well, sort of.  Today I am reminded of a time when I spent an entire winter overwhelmed by gloom and doom.

I once lived in a small, mountain town that was located in the middle of the state and surrounded by national forest; I lovingly referred to it as Middle Earth.  How a city girl came to live in such a place is a story best saved for another day.

I have a journal from this winter I spent sequestered inside my home.  I have yet to read through its entirety because the content is traumatic and hard to digest.  Today’s dark morning has me missing the cold, snowy days and the piles of firewood that became an integral part of my daily routine.  There is a lot to be said for having to learn how to cut wood to keep warm. Totally foreign to a city girl like me, totally.

Here, enjoy a video.

Scenes From A Life by dixē.flatlin3

Scenes From A Life

Over a decade of keepsakes and items

Assembled in boxes, forgotten.

Until one life ends and another begins.

Then begins the sorting, dividing, keeping, tossing.

How does one separate two lives

That was supposed to remain one?

Looking at the faces of past lovers, friends, family

Dead, alive, gone, estranged…

Calendars with once important dates & events

Invitations to parties, appointment cards, phone numbers

Receipts for medical procedures, hidden pain revisited.

Surprised by the rush of emotion

Who gets what?  What to cherish, what to lose.

Why and how did this much accumulate?

It’s a timeline from beginning to end

Seeing youth give way to age

Somehow you notice a face missing

Now why are there no pictures?

Realizing they are trapped in technology

Never making their way off of hard drives, out of emails

Does it make it that much simpler,

When the time comes to clean up again

Simply delete, erase, and power off…

12-31-06-ish?